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AQUARIUS:Neptune will explode into your underwear universe in a big way this year making it a roller coaster ride of new scents and sounds. This twinned with the rising of Sagittarius into your 4th House of Roasted Kale Frittata Flatulence demands you must take extra special care during ablutions as the planets watery influence may prevail with devastating environmental consequences. However, the risk of touch cloth horror will subside after the passing of the full Moon in April and a waning in your dietary fiber intake.

The romantic influence of Venus commencing early July, combined with the superbly executed 54 second bedtime trombone fart (Which historically  shall be referred to as The Evictor) will come the spiritual realization that the best things in life are meant for sharing and its time that you found  someone special to enter your bed universe again.

The rising of Jupiter in mid-November, twinned with joining your local dogging pack allows you to exercise that generous team building spirit and sets the stage for a bumper roller coaster ride of hatchback happiness for the remainder of the year.

PICES:Jupiter’s calming influence makes for another spectacularly uneventful start to the year and a time to reflect on life’s prior ‘what if’s’. Subconscious thinking is the foundation of the soul and you thrive in your dream world, which ordinarily would be great, but in your case it’s a vacuum.

The transit of Capricorn into your house of lethargy, during the spring Equinox makes for a time to embrace reality and focus all efforts on procrastinating, unless you just can’t be bothered. However, if you are feeling down then look for people who make you laugh or consider engineering your own entertainment.  Going to church and asking the priest if it is a sin to use a condom whilst ploughing the choir is fine, but probably best to avoid the school for Tourette's sufferers though.

The New Moon in August, twinned with the rising of Leo into your 2nd House of Sofa Riga Mortice Couch Potatoes  could  cast doubt  on your over thinking and  question if you’re on track to realizing the hedonistic  utopia  dream. This may make you feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but that's just because you are lazier that a stoned sloth on poolside reclining chair.

ARIES:You gorge yourself on the motivational energy from your ruling planet Mars as you start the year by enthusiastically pushing towards achieving your goals and anyone who stands in your way will become collateral damage, which is possible why you’re single.

Mars reaches its most dominant placement in your sign early June, when you will feel the inner excitement that you are building toward something amazing, which will allow you to bring closure to a troubling problem that has been bothering you for some time. By month end, the philosophical influence of Pluto will deliver  the clarity to perfect that pocket harpoon invention, specifically engineered to deal with sub human persons who loiter round coffee shop creamer stations. You will call it the Twatachino.

The influence of Pluto as it goes all retrograde from late July to November will empower you to embrace opportunities for spiritual healing. This together with the cosmic excretion from the rising of Mercury towards the 27th December come the realization that you should reconsider renewing the sessions with your psychiatrist or failing that, at least switch your daytime beverage of choice to green tea.

CANCER:The influence of the January's new Moon combined with Pluto's retro tickle on Venus's lust trajectory makes for a period of intimate socializing and provides the fuel for you to pursue the good things in life, as you continue waving your trouser trumpet around like there is no tomorrow.

However, whilst you charge forward like a dog in heat, with no regard for anyone but yourself, the rising of Uranus late April into your House of Bunnie Karma Chaos indicates that the universe may have other plans for you, setting the stage for great upheaval. By late September, Gemini will go full quirt into your 4th House of Diaper Dilemma and your sensors will be awakened when a recent conquest announces she is pregnant, with triplets.

Fortunately, the calming influence of Saturn, commencing early October will nurture your ability to be  open-minded and flexible during this period of domestic transition, which will be rewarded around mid-December with the rising of Mercury into House of Mélange et Trois and the arrival of her twin sister, proving conclusively that a family that plays together stays together and Xmas is definitely about giving.


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