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AQUARIUS:Neptune will enter your solar underwear in a big way this month. This twinned with the rising of Sagittarius into your 4th House of Black Belt Flatulence demands you must take extra special care whilst farting as the planets watery influence may prevail. However, the risk of touching cloth will subside after the passing of the full Moon on the 20th and a reduction in your dietary fibre intake. The romantic influence of Venus on 27th combined with the superbly executed 54 second bedtime trombone fart (Which historically  shall be referred to as The Evictor) will come the realization that you need someone to share your bed jungle again.

PICES:Saturn's influence would suggest that If you are feeling down then look for people who make you laugh. Going to church and asking the priest if it is a sin to use a condom whilst screwing the choir is fine, but probably best to avoid the school for Tourette's sufferers though. The New Moon on the 27th twinned with the rising of Leo into your 2nd House of Sofa Rigamortice will make you feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders but that's just because you are a complete lazy bastard, albeit with a vivid imagination. Get a job.

ARIES:The philosophical influence of Pluto combined with the stimulation of the full moon as Aquarius enters your 3rd House of Toe Jam Nectar Horror will allow you to bring closure to a problem that has been bothering you for some time. Accordingly, you will invent a pocket mini harpoon to deal with bastards who loiter round coffee shop creamer stations. You will call it the Twatachino. However, with the rising of Mercury towards the 27th will come the realization that you should reconsider renewing the sessions with your therapist or failing that, at least switch your daytime beverage of choice to green tea.

TAURUS:The influence of the new Moon in the fist week of this month combined with Pluto's retro trajectory on Venus's solar titties means you will continue waving your pink torpedo wotsit around like there is no tomorrow. You will step up a gear the practice of your  belief code of conduct, which is based on the principle that you come first and every one else can fuck off and you absolutely own the phrase ”I promise I won’t come in your mouth”. However, the influence of  Saturn late month as Gemini goes full quirt into your 4th House of Bunny Boiler Diapers indicates the coming of a new age when a recent flame announces she is pregnant, with twins.

GEMINI:Pluto's influence of enlightenment in the beginning of this month makes you realize your work place is an evil tower in a land called Middle Manager, which is presided over by a  demon called Saramoron who works for the Personhell Department.  You keep bumping into hairy footed vertically challenged folks who spend all day eating and by the full Moon on the 26th you are convinced the entire IT department are just a  bunch of fairies and the Document Control Manager is a wizard, but not at document control.. The rising of Mercury towards the month end strongly suggests you should revaluate  your daily consumption of wild mushrooms and reconsider if a career in safety is really for you.

CANCER:The rising of Mercury twanged with Capricorn entering your 4th House of Deep Orifice Love will demand that you must take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Even if they are dear to you, do not take the path of lease resistance and let the actions of others hurt you inside. The Moon will make a friendly reach round  with Pluto in Aries on 23rd which will provide you with the inner clarity and the strength to plan a course of action to remedy the situation. Accordingly, as your girlfriend insists inserting her finger into you bottom whilst performing oral sex then the planetary forces strongly indicate a trip to the local salon for a manicure would be a most prudent compromise.

LEO: As Mercury tiptoes into your 4th house of Hemorrhoid it is definitely a Uranus time on all life's fronts for the coming weeks. On the work front not only will this month be a bunch of arse, combined with the rising of Sagittarius as Pluto goes full delegation retrograde and the new Moon on 20th, it will surely deteriate into multiple bunches of arseness in the Astral Orchard of Arsetopia. However, you are strong and take comfort in the knowledge that this phase will pass by the 28th, but in the interim  you will also become incontinent and there will be no toilet paper either. Probably best to avoid disco's and long travel itinerary's.

VIRGO:Mercury  sniffing Venus's solar thong combined with Virgo limbo dancing through your 3rd House of Moon Sized Headless Chicken Fatugue will provide the catalyst for radical change in your choice of career . Accordingly, by the coming new moon on the 25th you will cease your career as a Procurement Manager to become a toilet attendant with a travelling circus. Influenced by the alignment of Pluto with Uranus's throbbing inverse retrograde whatever,  they were keen to employ you  given your experience dealing with other peoples shit. At least the clowns there might be funny.

LIBRA: As Mars enters it 4th fondue it's war like influence will make you  quite hot tempered this month. However you must resist the urge to cut your husband's balls off with the new hedge trimmer, should he return home late from the pub. The philosophical influence of Pluto on 26th will provide the realisation that this will not be the best course of action given that it may invalidate the warranty of the trimmer, plus the hedges are quite high. Further, with the new moon rising on the 28th, be sure  to renew the prescription for your pharmaceutical straight jacket or as a minimum consider accompanying your hubby to the pub. For clarity, there is no sane reason for power tools to be taken into pubs.

SCORPIO: The rising of Aquarius  combined with the passing of Neptune through whatever will put you in a complete  Emotional Big Bum Baggage  frame of mind and connect you  with your inner goddess of supreme  negativity and bad manicure trauma. Unfortunately the new moon twinned with the evacuation of Pisces from your 2nd House of Retro Handbag Bling would indicate that daddy isn’t going to buy you that new pony as the last one died of neglect or pay off the large credit card debt either . However, the philosophical influence of Pluto on 25th will bring inner strength and clarity to the situation and strongly indicates you should try  crying in the staff room for some attention. However, If you have already exhausted that option the planets indicate strongly that you should find a new school.

SAGITTARIUS:Venus leaving the solar lampshade of Jupiter's tickle fiddle will give rise to a period of innovation and great invention. With the new moon on 20th your journey to inner self awareness will continue at great speed after you wife inserts her finger into your fudge tunnel after an all day bender in the local pub. Pluto rises into  your 3rd House of Backdoor Violation on 25th providing the creative innovation to perfect then patent a revolutionary  new organic sex lubricant derived  from honey and bacon drippings, which will result in a sticky but quite enjoyable savoury ending to the month.

CAPRICORN:As Jupiter's goes down on Venus you will be more in touch  with your artistic instincts this month but beware of over confidence in one's abilities.  The rendition on the toilet door of your boss being spit roasted by the accounts department is indeed much appreciated by your peers. However, the cautious influence of Mercury towards the month end strongly indicates its probably best not to embark on the portrait artist career just yet.


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