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Dear Coleman, Would the world be a better place without guns? How many diabolical massacres must take place and innocent people die before politicians take notice of the will of the majority? - J. Kenney, Texarse.

Guns are perfectly safe if used by trained professionals like myself and are truly magnificent instruments of joy. In many ways a gun is like an erect phallus and the trigger a splendid clittythingamagus. Indeed, over the years I have spent many hours in my chamber, caressing the barrels in my mouth and licking the triggers with the tip of one’s tongue. I must declare that the climax one feels when a weapon is fired, together with the ecstasy of the recoil as it shudders through your bones is truly a most splendid sensation and on many occasions, my valet, Rupert, has had to change my underwear.


I recall being at a gun convention back in Dallas, November of 1963, when an anti-gun lunatic confronted me with similar ridiculous poppycock. As I proceeded to give him a good scalding, the bugger then pulled a pistol from his coat and took a shot at me. Fortunately, he was a complete imbecile and the shot missed, even from close range. He fled in panic but in a flash, I had my rifle aimed at the buffoon and fired 3 shots. Unfortunately, I missed the bugger by a fraction of a mosquito’s penis, as he zig zagged in retreat, then dived into a nearby grassy knoll.


I immediately alerted the police and must say the local constabulary put on quite a show! Within minutes, there were helicopters and police everywhere. Never found out if they caught the bugger though, as I had to leave to Asia the same day, having promised to help an old service acquaintance eradicate a panda infestation on his plantation.


As for guns being dangerous to the populous then that is quite simply the price of freedom. Some oaf massacring the odd class of kindergarten pupils does not justify a ban on guns. I ask you, if someone had used a baseball bat to murder people, would that mean that baseball would be abolished?


You are obviously, one of those vegasexual busybodies from some comprehensive type school, who is intellectually incapable of comprehending the complete beauty of guns. If I had my way, you morons would be rounded up and used a target practice, just like those deserter cowards back in 1915.


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