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Dear Brigadier, I lent my lawnmower to a neighbor two years ago but he refuses to return it. Despite many discussions with him, it remains locking in his shed. I own a large national chain of building material and gardening supply outlets, which I must confess stock many lawnmowers but it‘s the principle for God’s sake! - M. Crooks, Bearopolis. 


I wholeheartedly concur that retaliation must be taken against this tyrant, if we are to uphold the principles or world freedom and international gardening. Today it is your mower but if we do not act now then next week it could be a thousand mowers and the week after a million mowers, followed by the inevitable radicalization of garden ornaments, creating the perfect storm for the cultivation of terrorist gnome splinter cells!


Accordingly, after intensive carpet bombing and artillery barrage commencing at dawn, simultaneously parachute troops into the back garden and mount a five beachhead assault to the front of the premises. Consider calling the beachheads Shed, Rockery, Gnome, Shrub and Weed. However, it is your show to run and do take care not to damage the shed or adjacent property. That said, should you have any minor slip ups, then just blame any collateral damage on your neighbor. After all, nothing like a good dose of high explosives to stimulate the need for building supplies eh.


The first objective will be for the airborne troops to secure the tactical crossroads where the patio crazy paving meets the lawn. Thereafter, the ground troops at the front of the premises will advance to the crossroads rendezvous point, whilst neutralizing any isolated pockets of resistance on their way. Once achieved, you should be in ‘home run’ territory and ready for the final push on the shed. If all goes to plan your mower will be back in its rightful home by lunchtime.


If you manage to capture this tyrant alive then make sure to put on a Nuremburg style trail, followed by a good old public execution at one of your gardening retail outlets. This would be absolutely titillating for public morale and more importantly, demonstrate to others, the consequences of gardening equipment abduction crimes. Good luck sir!.


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