Dear B, We live in an age where we continue to push back the boundaries of traditional relationships. What are your views on same sex marriage and should such activity be considered sinful? - Mr. D. Loken, Strooth Grove.
After being scorned by my first true love Barry, I must declare that it was indeed a deliberate decision on my part to never enter into the bliss of holy matrimony. Instead, I elected to join a local swingers club, which is a decision that I do not regret to this day. However, having listened to the woes of numerous fellows over many years, I can confirm that many chaps do suffer from unadventurous wives, who do not entertain anything other than the standard missionary position. Suffice to say, the consequences of such matrimonial melancholy cause many relationships to stagnate; forcing otherwise dedicated husbands to seek pleasure elsewhere in public toilets and such.
For clarity, it is categorically not a sin for couples to engage in the joy of copulation. However, I must declare that I find it an overwhelmingly tragic loss of orifice opportunity if such intimacy is limited to only a few positions. Accordingly, I encourage you to ‘man up’ and act swiftly to spice up your relationship.
Firstly, if you have children, it is absolutely paramount they are attended to elsewhere by their nanny, unless of course she is participating. Once you have successfully secured a safe rendezvous point, perhaps commence the initial assault with the good old fashioned doggy position, which at least will enable you both to view your favorite current affairs broadcast, whilst simultaneously indulging yourselves. Thereafter, consider implementing a structured regime of progressive debauchery but ultimately it’s your show. That said, do tread carefully in the beginning, as one does not wish to ‘scare your mare’ as it were, plus you may even find yourself on the receiving end of a limited, lubrication, backdoor bayonetting when you least expect it. This being the case, I would have to declare the operation a fabulous success.
Lastly, unless you like to live dangerously, take extreme care not to call your partner by the wrong name during maneuvers; otherwise you may provoke an instant game of sex rodeo. I assure you, irrespective of how long you can stay mounted, no long term good will prevail from such error.