Dear Brigadier, I have been going out with a girl for several months now. She is great fun and the sex is tremendous but she has started to ask me to do things I don’t like including meeting her parents, friends and other relatives. Further, she has also made indications about settling down and having her own key to my home. My dilemma is that I am not ready to commit but she is a good-hearted girl with marvelous, massive, mammaries and really likes being spanked. - S. Kelly, Edmontoon.


Spanky games or not, I fear your personal democracy and whole way of life is in tremendous jeopardy. Believe me; I have seen many a good man succumb to the evil tyranny of domesticationism and transformed into utilities paying, child minding, gardening gimps.


I assure you; if swift action is not taken you will be redecorating your home in pastel colours and shopping for cushions before you can say, “Housebitch”. Indeed, one chap I knew was seduced by a fearsome Yoga Witch. He now spends his weekends camping with ghastly envirosexual liberals and hipsters types, drinking green tea and eating tofu. Absolutely terrible business!


Surrendering the key to your castle would be like accepting a Trojan horse and if so, I assure you, those magnificent breasts will be rendered less accessible than a fortress within weeks if not days. The good news is that I have engineered a brilliant defensive strategy and providing you follow it to the letter, I am confident you will survive the onslaught. Accordingly, commence reinforcing your defenses by deliberately dribbling on the toilet seats and once in a while, leave an unflushed torpedo is the bowl then put the seat down. Further, allow your dirty underwear a free run of the house for a least a week before laundering and start a gentleman’s hobby, ideally pornography but be sure to leave the magazines in plain view.


Lastly, if she must frequent your chambers overnight, it is vital to pull the duvet over her head, whenever you sound the old backdoor trombone. This will show her precisely what’s what in your bed jungle. However, short bursts only to preserve ammunition and take extreme care not to overstrain yourself; otherwise you may succumb to a friendly fire ‘touch cloth’ environmental catastrophe. Good luck and may God be with you sir!



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