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Dear Brigadier, I have been seeing my girlfriend for four months and we enjoy a very active sex life.  However, she refuses to swallow during oral sex, claiming it is cannibalism. How can I dissuade her on this matter? - S.Walken, Toonchester.


Let me tell you about cannibalism! I recall from my service days during a perilous mission in Dogshitastan to search for mineral deposits. We were on patrol, deep in unchartered jungle, when a tribe of cannibals ambushed us and captured the entire platoon.


I had to watch helplessly as these barbarians celebrated their conquest by barbecuing my men, whilst dancing to their drums. They even made hotdogs out of my men’s pink torpedo wotsits. A gut wrenching episode if ever there was one. After all, to appreciate a good hotdog it is absolutely essential to utilize a quality soft doughy bun with onions, ketchup and mustard. However, these savages were eating my men’s weaners from banana leaves, with no condiments at all. Utterly horrendous it was and to this day, I am still haunted by the sound of those hypnotic drums, if I even glance at so much as a sausage. 


To make matters worse, they made barbecue ribs out of my valet, Rupert, which in all fairness did look quite tasty through my binoculars, but who would now attend to my needs or remind me of what day it was?


Fueled with rage, I returned to my senses and ordered my pilot to bomb the entire village. It was a tough decision but I had to remember the big picture, which was the safety of future men, as well as preserving the overall global integrity and eating etiquette of specialty meat products, presented in tube form. I can still hear the screams of those uncooked men as the bombs blew them into steak tartar. However, I know their sacrifice was truly glorious and they would not have hesitated to do the same for me, but I digress.


Even if you are so fertile, that she has to chew before swallowing, oral sex does not constitute cannibalism! Whether it is the battlefield or the bedroom, life entails tough decisions. Accordingly, if she refuses to reconsider her selfish, sperm spitting, stance then you must consider a tactical retreat then regroup with a more spunk friendly regiment. 


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