John Pockcorrage, Chief Commissioner of Codlepool’s branch of F.U.C.K (Fetish Unit for Crimes Kinky) confirmed at a news conference yesterday that pending an enquiry into last weeks fatal bazooka incident, they would be suspending the use of all launchers, guns and grenades, and reverting back to Tazer Guns.
Following a tip off believed to be from a Damnation Army follower, F.U.C.K raided the home of Dave Rose to seize a book on Kama Sutra in the early hours of last Saturday morning. It is believed that Rose, having willingly let F.U.C.K officers into his premises attempted to put his hand over his mouth whilst sneezing, which resulted in the officer reacting by neutralizing the potential threat. Ambulance crews took 3 days to recover pieces of the body from the premises.
Whilst none of the F.U.C.K officers were hurt, Pockcorrage defended his officer’s actions stating, “There is a war out there and the safety of my men is paramount. The shooting officer believed Rose was going for a weapon, perhaps even an attack helicopter. The bazooka is a front line deterrent and criminals need to know if they break the law they face not only death but also a potentially expensive redecorating bill...”
To date there has been over 50 bazooka related deaths across the country. News on the suspension of lethal weapons was welcomed by civil rights groups but also met by outrage from undertakers.