DEAR BRIGADIER

Born in 1891 on his family estate, Buggery Hall, Coleman was the only legitimate child of famous explorer, Coleman Straightjacket - Snobbery II. His mother Camilla, who was also rumored to be his father’s illegitimate sister, died shortly after 2 weeks of strenuous labour. At the tender age of 3 years, Coleman was sent to Sockcucker Finishing Schools for Boys, where in the words of his own biography 'made him the man he is today'. 

After graduating with Honors in both Inequality Cultivation and Tax Avoidance, Coleman joined the army having being offered a commission as Lieutenant, where he quickly rose to the rank of Brigadier. During a career that lasted 50 years, Coleman achieved the world record for number of casualties under his direct command and saw action across the globe. Following an internal military inquiry conducted by several of his Sockcutter acquaintances, Coleman was honorably discharged from military service in 1962, after ordering his troops to shell a local garden center, having received intelligence reports from voices in his head that they were sheltering a terrorist cell of vegan hipsters, which resulted in the death of 17 of civilians.  

Following a 3 year global hunting safari, which resulted in the extinction of a least 2 endangered species, Coleman returned to his family estate to pursue a career in politics. In 1965 and despite his strong nationalistic views, Coleman became Eurodismal Member of Parliament for Twatshire. During his office and armed with a mere ration of 2 liters of Gin a day, Coleman embarked on a long career of general procrastination, with the exception of his repeated attempts to pass legislation to completely abolish all forms of gun control and reintroduce slavery for anyone wishing to claim unemployment benefits.

On his 100 birthday, Coleman retired from politics and when he is not soiling himself or sexually harassing his team of nurses, works as Lead Agony Aunt for the Whippet Digest.

 

 

 

  GUNS ARE PERFECTLY SAFE

Would the world not be a better place without guns? How many diabolical massacres must take place and innocents die before politicians take notice of the will of the majority?

 

 

 

 
  SEX CHANGE

I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I want to  have a sex change, but at the same time I have my doubts as I am rather fond of my pink torpedo wotsit.

 

 

 

 
  BANKERS

Are all banks the devils spawn who promote poverty and the destruction of the planet we all must live on for the benefit of a select few?

 

 

 

 

 
  MONSTER CHICKEN

My workplace is like a massive clown parade taking place inside a giant headless chicken. Managers have no understanding of the work performed or basic procedures. Basically they’re a bunch of actors trapped inside the bodies of slopey shouldered useless cun...

 

 
  LAWNMOWER LIBERATION

I lent my lawnmower to a neighbour 2 years ago and thus far he refuses to return it, keeping it locked in his shed. I own a building material and gardening supply chain which also stocks many  lawnmowers but it‘s the principle for god’s sake!!

 

 

 
  BILINGUAL TREASON

You have travelled the world during your illustrious career and I was wondering if you have any tips on the best way to learn foreign languages...

 

 

 

 

 
  BODY SNATCHERS

I live in my own house and have been going out with a girl for several months now. The sex is tremendous but she has started to ask me to do stuff I don’t like....

 

 

 

 
  BEACH HEAD

My daughter in law is separated from my son and they are going through an expensive divorce...

 

 

 

 

 
  BREAST BARRAGE

For several weeks now I have been having an affair with my girlfriend’s stepmom...

 

 

 

 

 

 
  SWEET CRUDE

 I am interested in exploiting the oil resources of a foreign country but the current regime there is unfriendly...

 

 

 

 

 
  MAN TROUBLE

I have been seeing a man for about six months and really though he was the right one for me but he has started acting odd...

 

 

 

 

 

 

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