DEAR BRIGADIER

 

Born in 1891 on his family estate, Snobbery Hall, Coleman was the only legitimate child of famous explorer, Coleman Straightjacket - Trumpet II. His mother Camilla, who was also rumored to be his father’s illegitimate sister, died shortly after two weeks of strenuous labour and at the tender age of three years, Coleman was sent to Twittenhouse Finishing Schools for Boys, where in the words of his own biography, ‘Made him the man he is today'.

After graduating with honors, in both Inequality Cultivation and Tax Avoidance, Coleman joined the army, after accepting a commission as Lieutenant, where he quickly rose to the rank of Brigadier. During a career that lasted 50 years, Coleman saw action across the globe and achieved the world record for number of casualties under his direct command. In a final act of military leadership, Coleman ordered his troops to shell a local garden center, after receiving intelligence reports from the voices in his head that they were sheltering a terrorist cell of vegan hipsters, which resulted in the death of seventeen civilians. No hipsters were injured. An internal military inquiry, conducted by several of his Twittenhouse acquaintances, resulted in Coleman being acquitted of any wrongdoing and he was honorably discharged from military service in 1962.

 Following a three year global hunting safari, which resulted in the extinction of at least two species and the endangerment of many more, Coleman returned to his family estate to pursue a career in politics. Despite his strong nationalistic views, in 1965 Coleman became European Member of Parliament for Twitshire.

During his office and armed with a mere ration of two liters of gin per day, Coleman embarked on a long career of general procrastination, with the exception of his repeated attempts to pass legislation to completely abolish all forms of gun control and reintroduce slavery, for anyone wishing to claim unemployment benefits.

On his hundredth birthday, Coleman retired from politics. When he is not soiling himself or sexually harassing his team of nurses, Coleman works as Lead Agony Aunt for the Whippet Digest. 

 

 

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  GUN FREEDOM

 

 

Would the world be a better place without guns? How many diabolical massacres must take place and innocent people die before politicians take notice of the will of the majority? - J. Kenney, Texarse. 

 
  SEX CHANGE SURVIVAL

I feel like a woman trapped inside a man’s body. I want a sex change and have saved up enough money for the operation, but at the same time I am of two minds, as I rather do like my trouser trumpet

 
  BUNCH OF BANKERS

Banks are evil institutions who promote poverty and the destruction of the planet we all must live on for the benefit of a select few. 

 

 

 
  LAWNMOWER LIBERATION

I lent my lawnmower to a neighbor two years ago but he refuses to return it. Despite many discussions with him, it remains locking in his shed. 

 

 
  HOME INVASION

Dear Brigadier, I have been going out with a girl for several months now. She is great fun and the sex is tremendous but she has started to ask me to do things I don’t like... 

 

 
  BEACH HEAD

My daughter in law is separated from my son and they are going through an expensive divorce...

 

 

 

 

 
  BREAST BARRAGE

For several weeks now I have been having an affair with my girlfriend’s stepmom...

 

 

 

 
  CANNIBALISM

I have been seeing my girlfriend for four months and we enjoy a very active sex life.  However, she refuses to swallow during oral sex, claiming it is cannibalism.

 

 

 
  SAME SEX MARRIAGE

We live in an age where we continue to push back the boundaries of traditional relationships. What are your views on same sex marriage and should such activity be considered sinful?

 

 

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