In a 3 part Whippet exclusive we blow the lid off the vane abuse of performance boosting beauty products by Premium Footy League players and undercover the scented goings on in changing rooms across the country. We speak to the players, coaches, and fans.
Player A asked his real identity to be concealed but gave the following account”, When I first started using moisturizer I just thought it would be a bit of a laugh. All the other guys had been using. The next thing I know I quickly moved onto all over coconut and mango body exfoliate. Things got out of hand one night at one of the lads houses, where under the pretext of trying out a new citrus and cucumber facial polish I had too much Chateau Gimp and just got tipsy. I woke the next day to find I’d had a complete body hair wax plus a very thorough anal bleaching. I felt filthy and violated, plus how on earth can I stamp my authority in the midfield with a shaven haven. That’s when I knew I needed help.” Another victim who we shall call Player B spoke of how he also started with moisturizer but quickly moved onto the slippery path of manicures. “I convinced myself that I could handle it but I quickly progressed to pedicures and then waxing. Within just weeks I had no hair on my testicles and found myself trapped in a seedy colonic irrigation and prostate milking ring. I am supposed to be a top level defender but I can’t even look after my own arse.” It is also claimed that the use of beauty products by top division clubs gives them an unfair advantage on the field. The Whippet discussed the issue with former Toonchester hard arse Jimmy Vones who explained, “ You must be fully committed to go for the hard tackles but when you smell cucumber and mind body scrub with a wiff of citrus hair conditioner it just does not feel right, as if your about to hit a girl.” Both Player A and B are now in rehab.